Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
