Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
