she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
