Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
