you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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