You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Found your dick twin last night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize