the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
