me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
