life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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