do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
as a side note pls kill me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
