I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
