drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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