Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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