The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
