a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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