Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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