i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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