I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
