Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
