That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
