Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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