I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
