a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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