somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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