Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
