there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
