i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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