I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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