it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
