when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
