I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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