I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
