In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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