"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
