i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We just shotgunned beers for America
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
