I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
