Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
