I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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