Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
