i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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