I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
