The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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