best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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