My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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