when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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