M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
third nipple confirmed
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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