So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
