They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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