even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
