I seem to have left my pride at pride
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize