I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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