She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
