so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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