maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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