shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize