I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
